Popular Myths About Fatherlessness in Our Culture: A Prelude to UTM's July 10th Lunch & Learn
The Myth that Children Born and Raised in the Traditional Two-Parent Family Structure are Never Fatherless.
It's tempting to long for the good old days when fatherlessness wasn't considered a national crisis, and intact, traditional two-parent families were the norm. When there wasn't such a thing as alternative family structures, and step-families were typically formed due to spouse deaths, as seen in shows like The Brady Bunch. But nostalgia often clouds our perception of the past. Sin also corrupted family systems in the good old days, even among traditional families. Some children, like my father, grew up without a father's presence despite living with his biological parents. Even within two-parent family structures, these dysfunctions were hidden in plain sight.
This brings us to a prevailing myth about fatherlessness in our culture: Children born and raised in the traditional two-parent family structure are never fatherless.
Growing up, my father had a distant and emotionally disconnected relationship with his father. Though he wasn't technically fatherless in the traditional sense, he missed eighteen years of critical father-son interactions during his adolescent years, making him feel dad-deficient. My grandfather was an educator and a respected member of several communities near Muskegon, MI. Most notably, he was a teacher, principal, and superintendent in the Reeths-Puffer School district. Known in public for his engaging, inspiring, and knowledgeable personality, in private, he had no involvement in my father's life except as the family provider. In other words, Grandpa was an absent resident father to my dad.
Believe it or not, my grandfather did play a paternal role for others in his life. Eighteen years ago, during a flight to Philadelphia, I was surprised to learn from the elderly woman beside me that my grandfather had been her teacher when she was a teenager! Tears swelled in her eyes as she recounted multiple stories of how Lloyd Shaffer had deeply influenced her life and the lives of many others in the Hesperia school system. She described him as a dedicated role model and a father figure to many teens under his guidance. However, my dad never received the same love, encouragement, patience, discipline, and mentoring my grandfather lavished on his students.
My grandfather had made his teaching job his true family, which left my dad feeling neglected and unsupported during his childhood.
When my father turned 18, and before he graduated from high school, my grandfather kicked my dad out of their house, considering him irresponsible and immature. Ironically, my grandfather failed to see that his lack of involvement as a father in my dad's life significantly contributed to the juvenile behavior he perceived in his son.
Despite the rough introduction to adulthood, my dad avoided homelessness by living with his sister for the remainder of the school year and summer and then enrolling in Bible College. Years later, my grandfather embraced the Christian faith, which started a new chapter in his relationship with my dad. He slowly began interacting with my father, showing him love and encouragement. This led to my dad experiencing some measure of healing.
During my interview with my father for this article, I noticed a familiar attitude in my dad that I've seen in many of our UTM fatherless students who become fathers: (1) a determined mindset to do whatever it took to be present in his kids' lives. When my parents started their family, my dad made a conscious effort to be a different parent than his dad. From the beginning, he bonded with my sister and me, providing us with love, encouragement, structure, discipline, and support - things he missed out on in his childhood. (2) A reliance on his faith in God his Heavenly Father to fill the dad-shaped hole in his heart, with Jesus as his example in loving, serving, and leading his family. Although my dad did not always live up to Jesus' example, his steady involvement, sacrificial love, and stability he provided laid a strong foundation in my life.
I was fortunate enough to have a loving and nurturing relationship with my father, something my dad never had the opportunity to experience. With my father breaking the cycle of fatherlessness, I avoided navigating the numerous social, emotional, and spiritual challenges that come with growing up without a father. For this, I will always be thankful to my dad.
NOTE: As part of UTM's Isaiah Promise Summer Campaign, we are offering four Lunch & Learns from July 10th through August 1st on two critical topics that grapple with the crisis of fatherlessness. We will discuss the following topic on July 10th & 18th. Popular Myths About Fatherlessness in Our Culture America’s deep-seated culture war has produced many myths about fatherlessness. We will discuss five common fatherlessness myths in our culture, how “Nostalgia,” “Luxury Beliefs,” and the “Racialization of Fatherlessness” have contributed to these myths, and why dispelling these myths is an essential first step to breaking the fatherless cycle. Thanks for reading Sentiments and Soapboxes! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.